Coming back from Thanksgiving is always weird. It’s like Syracuse dangled the tantalizing prospect of finally being able to sleep and then yanked it back, slapped us in the face and said, “Just kidding, here are five essays due Thursday.”

Even stranger is coming back for a week and then leaving again, which amplifies everything to an absurd degree. It’s kind of like if someone took the song “The Final Countdown” and sped it up. It just feels wrong in every way possible.

But as we approach the end of the semester, I can’t help but feel like we’re leaving just when things are getting interesting. It’s like my favorite television show is going on hiatus only to be replaced by “The Sing-Off.” Seriously, is anyone that excited to see Nick Lachey again? Personally, I thought he peaked with “Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica.”

I feel like we’re leaving fall semester with a lot of cliffhangers and not a lot of resolution. It’s kind of like every episode of “Lost” but with a lot more sleepy college kids and yoga pants.

For instance, questions still linger around our new chancellor. How does one exactly pronounce the word jumble of a name Syverud? Will we ever find as great of a nickname for the new chancellor as Chancy Nancy?

Seriously, what could possibly rhyme with Syverud?

Also, and probably most importantly, when does the reality show of ole Syvey living in BBB come out? I’d call it something snappy like “My Roommate is a 57-Year-Old-Man” or “How SyveRUDE.” Either way, I hope the first episode involves Syv Tyler drinking too much at a frat and vomiting down the law steps like a champ.

Speaking of university leaders, another question that remains is regarding the Student Association. After the election of Boris Gresely as SA president, one has to ask if he can win back the student body’s trust after “Allie Curtis-gate.” On that note, did we ever assign a “gate” to that scandal? I’m thinking maybe “Colin Crowley-gate” or maybe “Minor Rule Infraction of a Student Constitution-gate.”

Gates aside though, that question can probably be summed up by the usual Syracuse student reaction to any SA news: “Wait, what is Student Association again?”

Other questions include: Will the mashed potatoes in the dining halls ever become semi-solid? Will the sheer amount of Taco Bell I consume kill me before next semester? Did Delta Kappa Epsilon actually kidnap someone?

On a personal note, what is that smell in my room? Since getting back from Thanksgiving Break, my room has become almost inhospitable due to it taking on the strangely oppressive smell of a dentist’s gloves.

I can’t seem to pinpoint if it’s the suspicious jar of peanut butter that I suspect isn’t peanut butter anymore, my pile of dirty laundry that has now advanced from my closet with the full intention of claiming my bed as its own or my own deep psychological fear of getting my teeth man handled. But it reeks of dentist gloves.

Or maybe I’ve lost my mind somewhere between my essay on Shakespeare and my other essay on Shakespeare.

All of these questions and more will be put on hold for a time while we’re on break, which will be as maddening as the ending of “Catching Fire.” But never fear, Syracuse, as I’m sure all will be revealed when we get back for the second half of our weird and wonderful academic year. Until then, keep calm and dull your brain with stupid Nick Lachey. You earned it.

Christian Unkenholz is a sophomore public relations and political science major. He can be found trying to inch his way onto Kent Syverud’s reality show by yelling a lot and throwing wine in his face. His column appears every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at cdunkenh@syr.edu.

Published on December 4, 2013 at 11:26 pm