Maybe it’s because I’m creative. Maybe it’s because I like being different. Or maybe it’s just because I’m a jerk.

Regardless of why, when I arrange my AOL Instant Messenger buddy list I do it my way. I’m not out to make friends. I’ve already got 200 of them – and that’s only because AIM won’t let me have any more.

I might not talk to all 200 of them, let alone like most of them, but they’ve somehow managed to make my exclusive list. And until someone worthy of knocking off buddy No. 200 comes along, my current list-makers aren’t going anywhere.

So if a person makes my list, they should be proud. And they should be categorized as I see fit.

Most instant messengers use their buddy list groups as a way of distinguishing how they know their buddies. They’ll place their friends into the token groups: high school crowds, camp friends, family, and Syracuse University acquaintances.

I, on the other hand, try to stretch the limits. I group my friends according to how much I like them. Yeah, I said it.

My ‘best friends’ have a nice cushy group of their own at the top of my list. Most of these guys have been my friends since well before I even began online chatting, so they’ve earned their stripes.

Next comes the ‘good friends.’ These buddies have each nearly reached a spot in the ‘best friends’ group at some point. But for some reason or other, they never achieved such lofty heights in the real world, nor online.

Then come the girls, who fall into four categories. There’s the ‘girls who know me all too well’ section, the ‘girls I talk to and think are hot’ section, the ‘girls I don’t talk to and think are hot’ section and the ‘other girls’ section.

Rounding out my list are my ‘other friends,’ the ‘people I go/went to for homework help,’ the ‘random people from Syracuse,’ the ‘people I no longer talk to,’ and the ‘why the hell are you still on my buddy list?’ sections.

Each group is distinctively lower and lower on my totem pole of esteem; the same goes for the order in which I rank buddies inside these groups.

But that doesn’t mean the order never changes. If a buddy lends me some money for food at Kimmel, he’s bound to raise a few slots within his group. Buy me some shots at the bar? A possible jump to the next group could be in the cards.

But it works both ways. If someone does something to annoy me, he’s bound to drop quite a few notches. And if I get angry enough, I might just outright banish that buddy from having any spot at all.

Sound cruel? Maybe a little, but that’s the fun of it. These buddies don’t know what group they’re in, and I get to have some fun with my list at their expense.

It’s not as bad as it sounds. Chances are, most of these people will never see my buddy list from the other side, let alone look at it closely enough to realize what I’ve done with it.

Ranking my friends has allowed me to see my buddies and myself in a clearer light. I’ve learned that I don’t like most of my buddies. And I’ve learned that I’m not a very nice person.

So, while it may seem outlandish, it’s an educational experience. And that’s why Al Gore invented the Internet in the first place. So we could learn.

Oh, and to check out the awesome free porn.

Published on February 24, 2004 at 12:00 pm